My Beautiful Baby Pine Tree

Posted on May 31, 2012 | 5 Comments

I’m a winner!

Not of a marathon or a prize fight or an exemplary employee recognition, but something equally great:

A homemade puzzle frame which will eventually feature a picture of my kiddos putting together a jigsaw, and a surprise bonus of a cartoon version of me!

I won fellow blogger Coffee Powered Mom’s crafty giveaway! Check out her blog: I think today it was powered by about seventeen cups of coffee and a babysitting dilemma. (Wait, no, it is me who was powered by about seventeen cups of coffee. My bad.)

The last time I won a contest was in 1986. I was eight years old (don’t do the math), and I wrote a poem about a tree. I was called to the principal’s office and was awarded a sapling. I brought it home and showed my mother my beautiful new baby pine tree, which she eyed with disgust before dumping it in a garbage can. (Our yard was full of pine trees, and my blind mother was constantly battling with those cones.)

So the tree went to the dump, but my parents bought me a replacement tree: a tree of my choice. I picked an orange tree and I named her Valerie. I don’t remember eating a single one of Valerie’s oranges. But I was proud that she was mine, and that I won her.

The poem doesn’t exist anymore, but I think it went something like this:

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a pine tree

Maybe not. My eight-year-old poetry was probably much, much worse.

It was also the only time I was ever called to the principal’s office for any good reason.

Thank you to Coffee Powered Mom for making me feel like a winner again!

→ 5 Comments

Posted in just plain silliness

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Have Perfect Hair in 30 Seconds

Posted on May 29, 2012 | 11 Comments

Sigourney is trying, trying, trying to teach her hapless mother how to have perfect hair. No matter how many times I try to imitate her smooth 19-month-old actions, I just cannot reproduce her perfect 30-second ‘do.

Here’s how she does it:

First you brush it this way.

Then you brush it that way.

And that’s it! You’re done! Less than 30 seconds and you’re perfectly ready for another day of clown school*. “Here, mama.”

If only my hair looked that good. (No joke.)

*She can’t help that her outfits make her look like she goes to baby clown school. Her mother dresses her in these get-ups. She is only responsible for the hair.**

**Hair also makes a yummy snack.***

***Or a fun toy.****

****But only if it’s been recently pulled from someone else’s***** head.

*****Erma.

→ 11 Comments

Posted in appearance screw-ups

Tagged , , ,

Scary Clumps of Floatmeal

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 24 Comments

Bubbles = good. Oatmeal = bad. Simple math-anxiety principles at play here.

I have a lot of irrational fears and worries: lightning, flying, clown faces appearing in darkened windows.

But here is a new one:

Fear of oatmeal.

My daughter has it.

I gave Erma an Aveeno bath to soothe her scraped up marathon knee. I plopped the non-injured Sigourney in as well, just for good measure.

At first, Erma was delighted by the fact that the brownish water made her toes disappear…and reappear! And disappear! And reappear! Voila!

Then she saw a floating clump of oatmeal. SHE FREAKED OUT. It was a literal EEEEE moment.

“It’s just oatmeal,” I told her. “It’s an oatmeal bath.”

“Get it out! Get it out!” Erma shrieked.

I crushed the oatmeal and dissolved it into the bath water. But Erma was not to be fooled. She knew it was there…somewhere…lurking in her bath.

Meanwhile, she managed to keep her knee completely out of the bath so that it would not be harmed by alien oatmeal clumps, thus negating the magical healing powers of the oatmeal bath in its entirety. (Although Sigourney did find it to be one of the yummiest baths she’s ever tasted. And let me tell you that she has sampled a LOT of bathwater.)

In summary, we have learned:

Things Oatmeal Is Good for:

  • Cookies (with chocolate)
  • Breakfast (also with chocolate)
  • Scaring small children

Things Oatmeal Is Not Good for:

  • Keeping Mom sane through bathtime

I’m scared of a lot of ridiculous things, such as the prospect of icicles  stabbing me as I walk down a wintry street or accidentally swallowing a bug.

But this guy? Does this guy look scary to you?

…

…

…

…

…

Look closer:

EEEEEEEEE!

→ 24 Comments

Posted in won't somebody please think of the children

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Race Is Over

Posted on May 17, 2012 | 12 Comments

The Beginning

In the beginning, we met three excited kids from Erma’s preschool in the gymnasium, along with about five gazillion other kids whose emotions ranged from bored to happy to sad to overly enthusiastic.

“When are we going to run?”

“Why aren’t we running yet?”

“I want to run!!!!!”

The Middle

Ten seconds into the race, Erma splatted terrifically onto the tar. She shouted, “I want my Dada! I don’t want you! I don’t like you! I want Dada!”

I told her that she was okay, that she could either keep running/walking or we could just go home. She opted to keep running and also to keep slapping me with witty retorts such as, “I don’t want to be near you. I want Dada to be here.”

I was the only mom who was yelling at her kid in the middle of the race.

At the finish line, we were surprised to find out her teacher was in the crowd, cheering Erma on. She got high fives from strangers and people called out, “Good job, runner! Good job!” I am pretty sure I caught her smiling at least twice.

The End

Then Erma got her medal. Then she got a frozen banana courtesy of Olivia H.’s mom. Then she hugged her teacher.

Then we came home and investigated her wound.

And then she had some ice cream.

Tomorrow, for sure, I will hear about how great the race was, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time.

We did it! I wasn’t sure if we could do it. But we did! Next year, maybe we will even smile at EACH OTHER during the race. That would really be something!

I am proud of my 565. She ran a marathon!

→ 12 Comments

Posted in nature screw-ups, won't somebody please think of the children

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Marathon Eve

Posted on May 16, 2012 | 4 Comments

Some might ask if I engage in lunacy simply so I have something to talk about on my blog. In fact, it is my blog that inspires me to engage in anything at all.

Perhaps that is total gibberish, but the panic of race day is starting to set in.

Tonight at Classics Book Club, I found out that more than half of the book club members are participating in the Marathon. They are doing the 5k or the 10k or the 26.2K or the 500k. None of them are running the 0.8k. The shame, the humility, the indignity! Book smart and athletic? That’s not fair, your honor.

This is going to make the sweat, bile, and chest pains that accompany my half a mile jaunt with a bunch of tots seem even more pathetic.

Tonight Erma and I did some stretching exercise under the willow tree. This is the last night of training. It is a bittersweet ending to our special time together.

The best stretching is done by climbing trees. This is what my daughter has taught me.

Tomorrow, if we make it to the end of the race, I have heard a rumor that there might be a frozen banana treat waiting at the finish line. And that will make all of this worth it.

 

→ 4 Comments

Posted in diet screw-ups, nature screw-ups

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Marathon Training: T-2 Days to Go

Posted on May 15, 2012 | 10 Comments

This afternoon, Erma and I showed our feet who are boss. We stepped up (ha ha, get it?!?) our training from, well, nothing to two miles.

I coaxed her into a walk from our house to the convenience store, with the promise of ice cream at the turnaround point. (There’s no ice cream like gas station ice cream, am I right?)

I hadn’t quite worked out in my head that the convenience store was not so convenient. Fortunately, we were taking our time, thanks in great part to the fascinating critters along the roadside known as ants. We paused at every ant hill to do a complete housing inspection and also to help wayward ants find their ways home.

Another thing I did not consider when I plunged into a two-mile jaunt is that the convenience store road at rush hour is brimming with speedy, somewhat reckless vehicles.

Not my best idea, I can admit that now that I am home and we are all safe and alive and stuff.

Finally, and possibly the least thought-out part of my plan, is that I have blistered my feet with the unaccustomed behavior of using them over and over again without stop. I am wimpy, I know it, but my feet hurt. Ow ow ow ow ow.

I wonder if you can ride a Segway through the marathon? I mean, if my feet don’t heal up by Thursday evening. Otherwise, do you think the children might consider parading me down the road on a chair, bar-mitzvah style?

All in all, the marathon training is coming along nicely.

→ 10 Comments

Posted in nature screw-ups

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Marathon Training: Day 8

Posted on May 14, 2012 | 10 Comments

The training regimen is exhausting. Or at least, it’s fake exhausting.

This afternoon we picked up our marathon registration packet:

  • One lime green t-shirt, size small
  • One yellow sticker wristband
  • Two bibs, numbered 565
  • Eight safety pins
  • One poorly designed map of the run route

Then we came home and ate Creamsicles, because it was like a sauna out there.

Ninety degrees.

I hope it’s not that warm on Run Day; if it is, I might have to invest in an umbrella hat and a necktie fan.

I wonder if they sell souvenirs at children’s marathons?

 

→ 10 Comments

Posted in appearance screw-ups, nature screw-ups, won't somebody please think of the children

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Marathon Training on Mother’s Day Weekend

Posted on May 13, 2012 | 7 Comments

The most common phrase in our household during Mother’s Day Weekend is:

“I. Want. My. Da. Da.” — accompanied by sobs, screams, whines, pouts, or outright hysterics.

This is also the most common phrase in our household every other day of the year.

Nevertheless, it was Mother’s Day Weekend, because the calendar says so. I took my Dada-wanting kids and their precious Dada to the zoo and also for an expensive fast food lunch of Five Guys Burger and Fries.

The kids spent their zoo time scrounging for fallen pellets to feed birds and goats. Quarters to buy vending machine food? Not for this family.

Then I took a lot of boring pictures, all of which are seen here.

Marathon training this weekend has consisted of walking around the zoo and eating a lot of meat. I have eaten more meat in the past three days than in the rest of my life combined. I’m practically paleo! Burgers, meat loaf, a bagel topped with ground beef. Okay, the bagel was topped with garlic cream cheese, but at least I have garlic breath now.

For Mother’s Day, I asked Sigourney if I could have a hug. “No!” she yipped in her 19-month-old trill. “I want my Dada!”

So far Mother’s Day, I will simply enjoy my new texting phone and my bag of chocolate covered marshmallows in the peace and tranquility of children clinging to their Dada.

Happy Mother’s Day, Dada!

→ 7 Comments

Posted in diet screw-ups, nature screw-ups

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Marathon Training: Day 5

Posted on May 11, 2012 | 4 Comments

What a workout today!

This might only make sense to three people on the planet, but today I went from Old Main to the Student Union building TWICE in a row*, and one way with a heavy, feverish toddler in my arms (and her blanket and her jacket and her artwork and her report card).

All the training I’ve been doing up until now clearly must be working, because I didn’t die. (Although I did take a nap as soon as I got home.)

The baby tylenol and animal crackers combination will cure what ails you.

Marathons I Would Rather Be Participating In:

  • Seinfeld reruns, all nine seasons, in chronological order
  • Karaoke night, singing Bruce Springsteen’s tribute to marathons
  • …Or maybe REO Speedwagon’s…
  • …Or maybe that song nobody remembers by A Flock of Seagulls…
  • The Tampa to St. Pete Howard Frankenstein Bridge rush hour rat race in my 1988 Toyota Camry “Silver Beauty”
  • Dustin Hoffman movie marathon, beginning and ending with Marathon Man, even though I dislike that movie more than his others
  • Ten-day tour of the Greek city from which first marathon runner died
  • A nap marathon

* Daycare called because she had low energy and was running a fever, so I went to retrieve her but she was taking a nap. They said they would call my office when she woke up. Which of course happened the moment I walked back into my office.

→ 4 Comments

Posted in diet screw-ups, nature screw-ups, won't somebody please think of the children

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Marathon Training: Day 4

Posted on May 10, 2012 | 5 Comments

Fourth day of training. One week from today I’ll be leaving those other racers in my dust. Take that, four-year-olds-and-under runners!

Today’s goal was to concentrate on water intake.

Here is my very interesting tabulation:

Coffee consumed: 1 cup

Water consumed: 4-and-a-half half-bottles plus whatever I happened to down with daily meds

Gum consumed: 3 pieces, two of which were totally gnarly

Bathroom trips: 6 (so far — the night is still young)

The statistics plainly show that I am in TOP SHAPE for running a marathon.

Also, for dinner, we ate massive amounts of cow. Yay protein! At least, I think protein is good. After reading about it on wikipedia, I kind of just want to take a nap.

Now I have to go, because the room is dark and one of the many (many many many many) moths that has entered our house through SCREENLESS WINDOWS is attacking me and my marathon training blog post. Assuredly, there is a brief cardio workout in my future while I FREAK OUT.

Tomorrow: marathons I wish I was running instead of this one.

→ 5 Comments

Posted in diet screw-ups, nature screw-ups

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,