Do you enjoy being tortured? I’m not talking about having to wait a few months before the premiere of the third season of Downton Abbey. I’m talking iron maiden, waterboarding, tarring and feathering (that is real? oh my gosh, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT look up “methods of torture” on wikipedia).
Seeing an asthma specialist is a lot like those other methods of torture, except you have to pay a hefty fee afterward.
Torture #1: The Waiting Room
How quickly does a two-year-old get tired of sitting in a waiting room? Faster than the time it took you to read that sentence. She played with some crayons for approximately one-and-a-half minutes, then announced, “All done crayons.”
Torture #2: The Nose Smear
Here comes a blue bulb syringe to suck your snot out. If it turns purple, you’ve got a sinus infection. Will it turn purple? Will it turn purple?
It turned purple! YOU WIN!!! a 21-day antibiotic to be taken orally two times a day. Enjoy.
Torture #3: More Waiting
On the other hand, yum-yums and iPad were readily available. The only person tortured was Mom, who did not bring any food for herself.
Torture #4: Prick Your Back with a Rubber Tack
I don’t know if it was rubber, but it rhymed nicely, didn’t it? The purple letters tickled her back, but the injections of the allergic reactions made her squirm and whimper. Then she had to not smear the globby stuff on her back for 15 minutes. I kept her still for about one-and-a-half minutes, which was a record.
She didn’t win the allergy test. She lost. No allergies to dust, dander, or mold.
Torture #5: Small Enclosed Spaces and One Song on Repeat
Namely, the Scooby Doo theme song. WHY scooby doo WHY?!?
Torture #6: Humiliation Through the Hallways
That would be when the child strutted down the hallway back to the reception area telling every person in every room we walked by, “Look my ipad! Look my ipad!” Yes, my two-year-old has a five hundred dollar toy. No, she doesn’t. She just think she does. Time to play Daniel Tiger (for one-and-a-half minutes).
Torture #7: Breathing
Breathing doesn’t SOUND like torture, but if you ask a two-year-old to put her mouth around a polish sausage-sized tube (gross analogy, you’re more than welcome) and then plug her nostrils with nose clippers, the little sparkly butterfly on the machinery is not going to have the calming effect you might have suspected it would.
Torture #8: Waiting with Poop
“Excuse me, are we next for lab or what? Because my kid needs a diaper change, but I don’t want to lose my place in line, as we have been here for three-and-a-half hours already.”
Receptionist: “Yes, you are next.”
[Lab tech enters reception area.] “Ahmed?”
Torture #9: Blood Draw
Double the torture for the price of one. She squirmed (totes her fault, right? she is TWO!) and so they had to remove the needle and stick her on her other side. Took a whole vial of baby blood. She screamed and cried, “No no no no. Hurt, hurt, hurt!” Saying it was awful does not do the awfulness justice.
What We Have Learned from Torture Session:
- Babies with long eyelashes and double lines under their eyes are more prone to allergies. (???)
- Sigourney is now on more medications than I am.
- I’m supposed to spray into her nose and then have her BLOW HER NOSE twice a day for forever? SHE IS TWO.
- El Poco Loco is a little bit crazy. I think it was like tortilla, cheese, beef, beans, and “gravy.” Cashed in my driver’s license for my free Mexican meal today.
- You’ll never guess how old I am. Except that it is on the front of the card my daughter made me.
- The inside of the card depicts Erma drawing a picture on the inside of the card. Kind of mind-blowing for four-year-old art, no?
It’s definitely been a birthday I will not forget!